Moving beyond Adjustment Anxiety and Sadness
• Anthropophobia, depression
• By Yousaku Matsutani (pseudonym), 35 years old male, office worker
I was born in Osaka City in 1970. I grew up in a family of four consisted of my older sister who was 6 years older than me, my mother and father, and myself. My sister and I were different in many ways; she was a tomboy and I was a quiet and easier child to take care of. In contrast to my sister who always played with her friends outside while I was shy and stayed at home staying close to my parents.
Childhood and Elementary School Days
When I was 3 years old we moved to Singapore because of my father’s work. I stayed there until I entered Grade 1. It was the first time that I felt “different” from others because I was living in a foreign country. While my father stayed in Singapore, my mother, my sister, and I moved back to Japan and I soon started going to an elementary school. I felt like an outsider there since others had already been friends with each other. However, I made good friends at elementary school and had much fun. However, I think that my mother became overprotective of me probably because my father was away from home.
Junior and Senior High School Days
I developed a new “adjustment anxiety” when I enrolled in a junior high school. I was always hiding behind my mother, and I therefore failed to develop good social skills. Of course, I had to pay the price for my lack of social skills; I could not find a new circle of friends that made me feel like I belonged. I was very timid and I became an easy target of bullying; I was constantly harassed by a group of bad kids. In fact, they mentally tortured me almost every day! They broke my stuff, took my money, and forced me to buy them lunches. This experience of bullying damaged me mentally and triggered the onset of my anthropophobia. I hated my junior high school but I went to school every day until my graduation without skipping any class. Now, when I think back and ask myself why I did not skip school, I think the reason was that I did not have the guts to do it. In those days it was a big deal for me to skip school. I strove to study hard for the high school entrance exam so that I could go to a different school away from those bad kids, and I was hoping to make better and kinder friends in that new high school.
I entered a high school where most students were focused on preparing to get into university. My friends there were better people to be with, but my life was not yet how I had imagined it. I still suffered from anthropophobia and had feelings of inferiority due to my experience of being bullied during junior high. I started to be self-conscious about my sweat, eyesight, facial expression, and shaky voice and became increasingly self-absorbed.
My First Visit to a Psychiatric Clinic
I thought that I was going crazy even though I did not have threatening people around me any longer. I then decided to visit a psychiatric clinic for the first time. That was over ten years ago. I received counseling, autogenic training, and medication. I have been taking medication ever since.
Escaping from Reality to My Subjective World of Ideas and Imagination
I became interested in reading books related to self-development and improvement of personal characters while I did not study hard for school during my time in my high school and university years. I escaped from reality and from what I had to do by making up all sorts of things in my head that had no basis in reality. I also joined some after-school clubs both at my high school and university where I had fun time with my friends while taking medication. In short, I tried to pretend that I was happy. But as soon as I got home from school I was totally exhausted. I felt so empty because I could only be around people when I put on a mask. I was able to enjoy myself whenever I wore that mask, but whenever I was not I felt down. My life was an emotional roller-coaster. At home I blamed my parents for not having raised me well. I was mean to my sister in retaliation because she used to bully me when I was little. I acted like a selfish and self-centered child.
Work
I did not have any idea what I wanted to be as an adult because I was so preoccupied with my inner life that I did not really care about pragmatic considerations. I just wanted to overcome my anthropophobia. That was my main goal. I therefore decided to take on a sales representative position. As long as I was taking my medication, I was able to work. However, I felt that I was not doing well with my boss or my customers. I became self-conscious of sweating due to my fears and nervousness, and I could not conduct a business meeting the way I was expected to. I often made mistakes with my work because of my lack of concentration.
Depression and Frequently Career Change
After I had been working with my company for four years, I was transferred to Tokyo, which I had been hoping for. However, I developed depression there. Finally, I reached a point where I had to quit my job. From then on, I could not keep any position for long and had to change my jobs over and over. I lost confidence in my ability as a sales representative although I had managed to work as a sales representative for four and a half years. I did not dare to enter a new field of work either. I was scared that I might fall back into depression and therefore did not want to overdo things. Since I could not handle a full-time job, I took on a part-time position as a first step in my rehabilitation process for going back to work. When I lost that part-time position, I took on another one. I repeated this process several times. I read a variety of books since my university days, and even went to see a doctor and took medication for overcoming my problems. In spite of my concerted efforts to improve myself, I was left without success.
Encounter with Morita Therapy
One of my counselors introduced me to Morita therapy and Seikatsu No Hakkenkai (a nationwide peer support organization for supporting individuals with shinkeishitsu neurosis). I went to join a meeting group (called shudankai) affiliated with this organization. Until then I used to believed that I was the only person who suffered from these kinds of difficulties. Then I met so many people who had the same problems. I began to feel that I was not the only one. I felt empathy for the other people who belonged to this group and was able to relate personally to their stories. In the first group that I had joint, I had always felt disappointed that people were just complaining about their symptoms and pitying each other’s wounds. However, this time, I met Mr. M. (an employee of the Foundation), who was a trustee of the support groups. I heard his story and I felt that it was important to live as a healthy ordinary person and expect myself to be in charge of my own life.
I went to visit a group which Mr. M. had recommended. In this group, the members carried on their normal life while they were dealing with the symptoms of their neurosis. They did not blame anything on their neurosis. I felt empowered just by being with these people; some people had the same profession as I. They did not pity each other when discussing their symptoms. I was encouraged and empowered by them; they were putting efforts to improve their real life while overcoming their symptoms. I wanted to be like them which became my goal. Thus I started going to this support group regularly.
My Girlfriend’s Death
Gradually, my life was getting better, but then a painfully sad event happened which I could not forget for the rest of my life. I had a girlfriend. We had been together for three years. She suddenly got acute leukemia and passed away. Right before she lost consciousness, she had e-mailed me a brief message that read, “Can we talk on the phone now?” Soon after, she called me on my cellphone. However, I was away from my phone just for a few seconds and unable to answer the phone. When I realized that I had missed a call from her, it was too late. When I phoned her back, she was too ill to carry out a conversation. I went to her bedside to say good-bye after she had passed away. I apologized to her and thanked her many times. My regret that I had not been able to answer her call before she passed away will stay with me forever.
It has been one year since she passed away, but I still recall her when she was well. I remember especially that one last week with her – every single day. Every time I think about her, I get so sad. I feel as if my heart would burst with regret. However, it is my feeling that I am beginning to accept this pain that I have carry with me. At first, I could only think about the symptoms of my neurosis, but now I am able to focus on my daily life little by little. With everyone’s encouragement, I have now stopped taking my medication after almost 20 years ever since I was in high school. Now, I organize sports event for our support group in my free time. I am currently the coordinator for the support group this year. I have developed a passion for helping others. I have been noticing that I am no longer sick. I am healthy. Since I was in school, I used to put my efforts in the wrong direction. I have recently begun to change this. I am making gradual progress in learning Morita therapy and applying it to my life. I am very grateful that I am able to gain new insights and develop awareness through Morita therapy.