Teachings of Morita Therapy Which Strengthened My Mind and Body
• Fear of having frequent urges to urinate, panic attacks etc.
• By Yumiko Murakami (pseudonym), 28 years old female, office worker
Being Labelled as a Reticent Child
I was born in Kyushu in 1977. Although I was shy and a cry baby in my childhood, I was also very strong minded. I got labelled as a completely reticent child at elementary school after an incident because I had never spoken with anyone except when in class. I wished to get out of this mode but was too afraid to do anything contrary to others’ expectations of me. On the other hand, once I returned home from school I played freely with my neighborhood friends. As an adult, I still remember those fun memories well, and such fond memories still give me hope for my future goals.
Once I entered a junior high school, I rarely saw my old friends. I lost my social connection as a result. I used to believe that I had no right to move my body because I did not speak in class, and thus I inhibited my body movements in classes such as physical education and home economics. I did not eat lunch. I sat at my desk all day engaged in self-reflection all day in my junior and senior high school days. I was too embarrassed even to take out a textbook and place it on my desk. I never went to the bathroom at school. Nor did I go on a school bus; I just walked home. I never expressed my thoughts in front of others. My teachers and parents were puzzled at how I was behaving, which was so different from how my peers were. However, I acted cheerfully when I was with my family and close relatives. I suffered an internal conflict over a big gap between how I was at school and how I was at home.
First Notice of Unusually Physical Condition
While I had enjoyed good physical health since childhood, the fear of having frequent urges to urinate started one day. I would not ordinarily make a physical move in front of others, but this time I had to dash to the washroom when a school assembly was in progress. It was a shocking incident to me because I lost control over myself in front of others and was unable to maintain my static physical stance. I subsequently felt an urge to go to the washroom even at a slightest thought of needing to go to urinate which took place in my mind every few minutes. My urinary urge was so strong that I thought I would go crazy if I would not go to the washroom, and I was not able to stay in class in such a condition. The hospital examination proved that my physical condition was normal. I believed that I would be able to change my urges willfully in my mind without disclosing this condition to anyone.
Subsequently, I received the confirmation of my employment at a factory in the Chubu Region of Japan. I moved to the region with a positive outlook on my new career and life and started living in the company’s dormitory. However, I faced difficulty dealing with my roommate, senior co-workers, and peers. Opportunities to engage in conversations with them dwindled and I was hardly able to use my voice. A medical examination of my vocal cord proved normal. I had misled myself to believe that making a clear vocal sound in front of others would be the solution to all problems and disregarded the importance of my choice of words and the contents of conversations.
Suffering Panic Attacks
I started living alone in Osaka with a resolve to have a fresh start in my life after quitting the company where I had worked for two years. I tried to be cheerful in the beginning at a new workplace but soon became reticent and kept changing jobs, which caused both financial and emotional instability.
At age 20, I had my first panic attack in an airplane on my seasonal trip to visit my home. I felt an unusual pressure on my back and in my chest at the time of a take-off. I also had a claustrophobic reaction and the fear of frequent urinary urges, all which resulted in aggravated heart palpitations. It felt like being in a life-or-death battle at every second. Flying in the air and not being connected to the ground made me feel like being in a roller coaster. I took this incident as an indication of my heart being weak. Since then, I continued to encounter similar panic attacks. I later learned about panic disorder on a television program. My panic attacks persisted and did not go away. I then encountered a book Morita-based Mental Health Method and was introduced to Morita therapy. After reading the book, I learned to give up fighting the panic attacks; I sincerely said to myself, “Okay, I give up. Let these attacks kill me.” Paradoxically, the attacks subsided. Since then I started using this coping method, which might be regarded as the practice of arugamama (being the way I am) based on my understanding of the notion at that time.
Several years later, when I was suffering insomnia due to a poor health condition one night, I became totally unable to breathe. In a panicky moment, I requested an ambulance service. My social phobia and having no previous experience of dealing with emergency services did not discourage me from seeking help from the rescue workers. My fear of stuttering when speaking with them did not matter. In addition to the suffering of breathing difficulties, I was unable to move physically due to a muscle spasm and the fear of fainting. My hands and feet were cold and numb and I felt as though I was becoming unconsciousness. Although the doctor said I was suffering from hyperventilation, I thought I had a very serious illness because I was unable to get up by myself for several hours.
Disclosing My Problem
After this, I told everything about my problem to my superior at work. It was the very first time to be honest with someone else. I began seeing a psychiatrist, and the prescribed medication helped maintain my day-to-day living. As a last resort, I visited a Morita therapy group where I had a chance to speak with someone from the Okamoto Mental Health Foundation, who kindly offered me the following advice: “Trying to resolve mental problems only with your head will not work. You must build a strong body to help you deal with your weakened mental condition.” Since receiving this advice, I started walking to and from work every day. I had fresh discoveries about the streets and the natural surroundings despite feeling anxious internally. Walking and noticing seasonal changes allowed me to feel relaxed. With increased stamina, I became strong and healthy enough to walk around all day without hyperventilating.
Morita Therapy and Road Racing
I later joined the road racing group that my senior company colleague had been involved in, and I began to take on physically strenuous road races. I was healthy and strong enough to cycle nearly a 100-kilometer course from Osaka to Arashiyama, Kyoto. I can never forget the moving experience of cycling through the beautiful and deep mountain paths in Kyoto with my senior friends.
I was later able to stop the use of tranquilizers after six months with the support of the Morita therapy group members. I practiced what I had learned at the group meetings, such as not complaining about the symptoms no matter how much I was suffering internally and remaining on task at hand even when I was feeling afraid of fainting. When I stopped taking my medication, I initially suffered unbearably and thought that these were signs of my physical and mental illness to be treated with medication. However, I trusted Morita therapy. I let the unusual sensations be as they were and continued with my engagement in work to the best of my ability. I then realized that I had been able to let my internal sufferings and sensations pass while remaining productive on tasks at work. I wondered what was the nature of the immense suffering that I had been dealing with. I now firmly know that neurosis is not an illness and that the symptoms I had suffered were the manifestation of my misunderstanding of human nature. I am thankful to the teachings of Morita therapy and my senior friends’ encouragement to develop good physical health, all of which resulted in my becoming free from the regular use of medication.
Since then my life has become busier and more active. I thought that I was expressing my feelings of stress to my family; I felt badly for making them feel uncomfortable. However, my family let me know that they were pleased and would rather see me straightforward in expressing my difficult feelings to them. From now on, I would like to live positively and cultivate a good future for me instead of dwelling on my past. I hope that my recounted journey of suffering and my struggles to find a way out of stagnation as described here will be useful to those in similar circumstances and be able to offer them hope.