Struggling with Depression
• Depression and others
• By Hachitaro Kasugai (pseudonym), 42 years old male, company employee
Suffering the Fear of Others’ Gaze, Social Phobia, and Depression
I was the first born of a traditional family in Kyoto. My father was devoted to work and extremely busy, while my mother, as a public servant, was often away on work assignments around the country. Because both of my parents were totally immersed in their careers, I grew up under the loving care of my grandmother. As an introverted child, I preferred playing alone at home. My introversion got stronger over time and I had no close friends in my junior and senior high school days. I felt very self-conscious as I felt stared at by others, which cause me difficulties forming relationships with others. I also developed stress-related bald spots (alopecia areata).
I got hired by the current company after graduating from university. Although it was difficult to get used to the corporate employment, I got recognized for my steady and hard work over the years, which gave me self-confidence. I got married the year after my promotion to a section chief’s position. Everything was going smoothly. I tried to respond to people’s expectations and I worked very hard beyond my limit. In the end, I suffered depression after a long period of working overtime, late into the night and on weekends. At home, my wife developed anxiety neurosis over a relationship problem with my mother who was living in the same neighborhood. My wife began to receive psychiatric treatment. She became withdrawn and stayed home for a year. Bad things happened one after another. My company suffered from a recession and went into an increasingly difficult financial condition, and began to place a highly demanding performance pressure on the employees The workplace subsequently became a battlefield-like place where I was like an exhausted soldier caught in both the work-related stress and the stress of looking after my wife and household duties. I realized that I was mentally unhealthy. I had some knowledge of mental health because of the treatment that my wife had been receiving, and I knew that what I was suffering would be regarded as depression. I quickly went to see a psychiatrist without hesitation who confirmed the diagnosis of depression. The doctor advised me to take a leave from work, but I was not able to approach my superiors with such a request. After changes in the posting of administrators a new superior came to our department, but I was not able to get along with him well. I felt stuck and exhausted, and one day I fainted at work. I then took a leave from work for several months. Concurrently, my wife suddenly left me due to the conflictual relationship with her mother-in-law. If I had not been depressed, I would have mediated the conflict between her and my mother and might have been able to prevent our separation.
Returning to Workplace, Reassignment to a Lower Post, Hitting a Rock Bottom and Introduction to Morita Therapy
Upon my return to work, I was reassigned to a demoted post away from the core of the company where I had been working. A year later, our company was absorbed into its parent company. It was very shocking to realize that I would never be promoted back into the company’s core section after this absorption of my original company. This new situation fundamentally overturned my upward mobility values and orientation. I was depressed and suffered the loss of meaning in life. I was lost in my life without any external support.
I then encountered Morita therapy and Seikatsu No Hakkenkai (a peer-based self-help group for those who were suffering neuroses) which had been recommended by my psychiatrist. It was an impactful and moving experience for me to participate in the Hakkenkai’s group meeting for the first time. The members listened to my sharing with utmost sincerity and personal interest. I thought this amazing experience of encountering Morita therapy and the self-help group would for sure help me find solutions to my sufferings. However, it was agonizing to live with depressive symptoms in my lonely struggles. I felt pushed to my limit. My physical and mental energies had been drained, and I was exhausted by the time I arrived at the company. I felt hazy in my head and had those typical depressed feelings of being enervated and fatigued with no motivation for anything. I felt useless and hopeless and thought that I would never be free from depression for the rest of my life. I found that my newly assigned section at work was completely different from what I had been used to, and I felt like a total misfit there. There were many things I had to learn in this new workplace, but days went by without leaning anything at all. It was such a huge contrast to how I used to be as a company elite. Even a junior female worker scolded me by saying, “What is taking you so long to learn how to do things here?” It is hard to believe now, but I used to be too scared to pick up the phone to answer calls. With a very limited level of understanding about depression among people, I encountered others’ prejudice which was very painful to me. Every day was hell for me. The only solace I had was the time when I returned home and read books on Morita therapy; it saved me from hell. In retrospect, the reason why I was able to continue going to work without quitting was that I had internalized unknowingly Dr. Morita’s instructional words: “Obey nature. Yield to the circumstance.” It seems I was saying to myself, “Due to my unhealthy condition, I haven’t been able to perform normal tasks appropriately, which explains why people have questioned my work competence. If I’m currently in a mentally and physically weakened condition, I will not pretend that I am strong. I must just embrace this weakness as it is without denying it.”
Waking up at Seven in the Morning without Help for the First Time after Becoming Depressed
One year after becoming a member of the Seikatsu No Hakkenkai Association, I participated in its standard learning seminar program. I was appointed to the chief coordinator for a learning seminar in the subsequent year. One morning in mid-June during this seminar period, I woke up at 7am spontaneously. My regular wake-up time used to be 7am before I became depressed, and this unexpected incident was a big surprise to me. I am embarrassed to admit that my mother who was living in the same neighborhood used to come and wake me up so that I would not be late for work. However, since this incident I was able to start a regularly scheduled lifestyle. Taking on a responsible role of being a chief seminar coordinator to look after the needs of the participants was clearly a significant factor in changing my depressed condition. I began to think for others, knowing that seminar participants were also suffering and struggling with their serious difficulties and wanted to be helpful to others somehow. I used to be self-focused in dealing with my own symptoms and inner sufferings in my daily life. However, this self-directed attention got gradually lifted and redirected to other people around me.
The condition of my depression has improved but I cannot predict when it will get worse again. I know for sure that it will resurface one day if I reverted to the way I used to live and think, and if I let my old mental habits return. While I fully acknowledge the contribution of pharmacotherapy to my successful coping with depression which had persisted for many years, I would still have been suffering depression if I had not encountered Morita therapy which was developed by a prominent Japanese psychiatrist Shoma Morita. Learning Morita therapy has helped me become a more flexible and mellower person while my nervous and anxious traits have become less prominent. Interpersonally, I have become less guarded and more open and I have been enjoying better relationships with others.
Medication Does Not Cure Depression! Five Points for Preventing the Recurrence of Depression
I now wish to discuss what guides my daily life and what I hope will prevent the recurrence of depression for me. There are five points which are based on what I have learned from Morita therapy that have helped me recover from depression: (a) to maintain a regular schedule for daily life, (b) to allow myself to recover from the day’s fatigue on the same day, (c) not to push myself too far beyond my limits, (d) to find constructive hobbies in which I can immerse myself with passion, and (e) to be clear about the distinction between what I can do and what I cannot do, and let go of what I cannot do without dwelling on it. I also live by what I consider to be three pillars: (a) to live here and now, (b) to do things for others, and (c) to live with a sense of gratitude.
About the first pillar of “to live here and now,” Dr. Morita often quoted Daruma Daishi (Bodhidharma) saying “Not anticipating the future and not dwelling on the past.” It means to live the present moment. It goes without saying that we cannot have a life exactly the way we want it to be. While it is such commonsense, I used to think rather arrogantly that I should be able to have an ideal life if I would just work hard. I tried to make all my wishes and dreams come true during my life before death. I was demanding a perfectionistic life of myself. How foolish I was! My idealistic expectations trapped me in agony and futile preoccupations. Of course, no one can accurately predict or have an advance knowledge of what will happen in the future. Always dreaming of an idealized future can be distracting and unhealthy. Now, I try to face what I can realistically do now, and I allow myself to be 70% perfect in my life.
Regarding the second pillar of “to do things for others,” I am not saying we must do huge things for others. We can simply be kind and gentle to others. They might appreciate out kindness and we might feel rewarded when we see a wonderful smile on their face. Although people tend to think of sacrificing themselves when they hear “do things for others,” it can be an enjoyable thing. We can think of how we can be of help and what we can do so that others would appreciate it. When our self-centeredness is reduced, interpersonal relationships would go more smoothly. We would be extremely fortunate if we can experience utmost happiness when we are appreciated by others.
The final pillar of “to live with a sense of gratitude” comes from my direct learning experience that I am alive now because of others’ help in my struggles with depression. This is a positive byproduct of my suffering of depression. I believe that the biggest benefit of living with a sense of gratitude is to reduce the overgrown self-centered desires.
My experience tells me that pharmacotherapy has its limits in treating chronic depression. It is essential for depressed persons to review and revise their mental habits and ways of thinking and living.