Days of Preoccupations with the Fear of Death
• Anxiety neurosis, panic attacks etc.
• By Sae Okano (pseudonym), 36 years old female, homemaker
Fear of Death
I grew up with no sibling. As a child, I had a weak digestive system. I was short-tempered, competitive, and quick to fight. Such traits resulted in my having few friends. I was regarded as a child with a strange personality. The start of my neurosis goes back to my childhood when I happened to see an animation movie about the atomic bomb. I started questioning what would happen after death and when I would die and used to cry each time. When I was in Grade 4, I had invited my friends to my birthday party for the first time but nobody showed up. I began to believe that no one liked me and I would never have friends. Since then, I gradually stopped playing with my friends and began to immerse myself in the world of imagination even more than before.
One day, I was counting how many white lines there were on the pedestrian crossings and became unable to stop counting. I almost got hit by a car while doing this. After this near-miss incident, I became preoccupied with the thought of being run over by a car even when it was parked. When I was in Grade 8 (2nd year in junior high school) I developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) associated with the troubles I had been having with my friends and the stringent after-school club activities. I had suffered the IBS symptoms as well as the above psychological symptoms until I finally encountered Morita therapy.
Beginning of Anxiety Neurosis
Toward the end of Grade 10 (the first year of senior high school), I felt sick and dizzy when I was walking in a crowded underground mall. As I raised my head to look around, I was hit with an illusion that everyone around me started moving toward me. Several days later, I suddenly felt anxious after school. I had unsettling feelings in my back and legs and had a shiver, followed by strongly intense anxiety and dizziness for no reason. I was unable to bear these sensations and found myself crouching on the floor in a toilet cubicle. This then led to the fear that I had gone mad, and I began to have anticipatory anxiety. I was not able to fall asleep with the fear that I might just die when I closed my eyes. Even when my eyes were shut I felt the light shining on my eyelids which prevented me from falling asleep. One day, I discovered a book in the school’s health nurse office and learned that what I had been suffering was called “anxiety neurosis.” However, I tried to distract myself in various ways so as not to face the reality of my anxiety problem, and I was too proud to admit my weakness.
I managed to graduate from high school and then got a job. My high school class teacher recognized my interest in writing and encouraged me to go to a school while working, but my neurotic symptoms returned in a few years and persisted for over ten years, which I had never anticipated.
Days of Suffering from the Recurring Symptoms
Several years later, I was in charge of a company’s quality management. We had a troublesome situation at work one day, and I was unable to fall asleep at home due to this. Also, irritable bowel syndrome returned and my preoccupation with anticipated stomachache stimulated an impulsive wish to jump off from a running train. My mother had to take me to an emergency hospital in the middle of the night because of my anxiety attacks. I thought I would die and cried through the night on such occasions. One day, I had a sudden urge to clean up my room and recalled someone’s statement that people would have an urge to clear out personal belongings before their death. I began to associate everything with death and I was not able to think straight because of my fear of death. Later on, when I was going to school to study counseling, I suffered daily my preoccupations with the fear of death even though I had hardly suffered anxiety attacks any longer.
I submitted my resignation notice at age 29 and was offered another job at the same company’s subsidiary company. I did not get along with the senior employees at this company. I found the work slow in pace and not enjoyable, and lost motivation to work. In my attempt to find something for me to devote myself to, I started going to an accounting school. One day I faced a difficult question to solve in class just before the second accounting examination and I experienced intense frustration over this. When my body started shaking suddenly followed by a stomachache, I had to leave the classroom. Since then, I became fearful of having stomachaches and began to miss classes. I failed the second accounting exam. As the third examination day was approaching, I felt a tight chest with the fear of not being able to walk out of the classroom. When I tried to memorize things, I felt distracted and could not concentrate. As I tried to eliminate the distracting thoughts, I became unable to read books. I also began to feel scared of taking trains more than ever and started to miss work.
Soon my father passed away. I felt self-critical for not devoting myself to the study and instead always thinking of the symptoms. While I tried to encourage myself to move beyond this condition, I started to suffer intense anxiety much worse than before all day long. I was no longer able to continue to work. I then went to a psychosomatic medicine clinic and started medication. I truly worried that I might be going crazy.
A year later, the symptoms stopped bothering me any longer, and I decided by myself to stop taking medication. The symptoms then returned. My symptoms such as the fear of going outside became worse. Around the same time, I hit another car while driving while doing company errands. I began to worry about having car accidents every time I go on company errands and developed an obsessive habit of excessive checking for driving safety. My preoccupations with death got worse, and I had occasions of not knowing where I was while walking outside.
My Encounter with Morita Therapy
I decided to seek counseling at a psychosomatic medicine department of a hospital different from the previous one. While the amount of medication was increased, my condition did not improve. I realized that I could not fight a lonely battle only with the help of medication. As I began to yearn for an ordinary life, I learned about Morita therapy at the hospital. When I searched for information about Morita therapy on the internet, I came across an information site for Seikatsu No Hakkenkai (a self-help group for those coping with neuroses).
Thinking that I had no recourse available to me other than this opportunity for possible recovery, I devoted myself to the study of Morita therapy there. I realized that I had been doing the opposite when I learned that “emotion cannot be controlled willfully.” It was a major awakening. I was saved by the teachings such as “it is natural to fear death” and “neurosis is not an illness and you are not the only person suffering it.”
I participated in website exchanges of ideas and experiences (a discussion forum facilitated by the Okamoto Mental Health Foundation). I contributed my comments daily which generated many suggestions and words of encouragement by those who were also studying Morita therapy. It was reassuring to know that I was not alone. My symptoms then began to dissipate over time. I recognized that I had been running away from reality by using my symptoms as excuses and started noticing my surroundings beyond self-focus.
One day, when I was talking about my experience of having an anxiety attack, I actually had an intense anxiety attack. As I was trying to run out of the room as my impulsive evasive reaction, my senior friend blocked my way saying: “Do not leave here.” I was not able to redirect my attention to anything else to ease the anxiety, and I just had to stay where I was and just waited for the intensity of the anxiety to dissipate. After this incident, I experientially learned that anxiety when left alone without further aggravation would disappear eventually; my anticipatory anxiety about having an anxiety attack also dissipated. My fear of driving and using public transportation also weakened. I stopped seeing anxiety as something unusual and abnormal. I also stopped relying on medications for headaches and stomach aches. The headaches that used to keep me awake all night long disappeared.
Taking Action in Spite of Anxiety
As recommended by my senior friend, I began commuting to work by bicycle to develop stamina. Being so used to traveling by train, I initially felt lost as to which streets to take to get to the destination and almost gave up on my resolve on the first day due to heightened anxiety. However, I persevered and persisted, and began to enjoy the sceneries and winds while running every day. I started to want to do more things and resume what I used to enjoy before. I then came to a point of stopping the medication. There were times when I suffered the symptoms without the medication, but eventually reached a stable point, thanks to the words of encouragement posted on the website by many people.
I later got married to a man who used to attend the same Morita therapy meetings after I had sought help from a senior friend about my concern over the idea of getting married when I was still having the anxiety symptoms. In spite of some challenging experiences, we were able to start a family with the arrival of a healthy child. Having become a parent myself, I felt deep gratitude to my parents when I considered how I used to make my family suffer when I had been totally immersed in my struggles with the symptoms.
I used to entertain a rather unrealistic dream of pursuing an extraordinary life with huge accomplishments before I began my study of Morita therapy. I have since discovered that happiness is found in an ordinary life for which I feel deeply grateful. I would like to keep my feet on the ground, be realistic about life, and continue to study Morita therapy. It is my sincere hope that my story will be of help to those who are suffering similar problems.